“Hey Dad, Guess What I Got You for Your Birthday…”

Chris Cordeiro has an extraordinary laugh.  Were he the most boring interview imaginable, the couple beers I shared with him at Haymaker just before the world went sideways would have been a delightful way to pass the evening based solely on the brightening effect of that laughter.  As it happens, Chris is not the most boring interview imaginable- he is a true renaissance man.  There was a whole captivating segment of this interview about his sailing hobby that didn’t quite fit into the transcript.  Fasten your seatbelts, try to keep up, and allow that laughter to infiltrate your soul!

So, your dad and your stepmom were both gym teachers or coaches- were you pushed into athletics at an early age?

*laughing* I wouldn’t say pushed because I loved it so much.  I loved sports- I grew up around it, I loved doing it, and I always wanted to be the best at it.  My dad was the opposite of what you’d call a helicopter parent so he gave me all the tips and trained me, but he expected me to just do it- I rode my bike to every game and just did everything myself.  

What was your favorite sport?

See I don’t like what is happening with specialization these days.  Up there (In New England where he grew up), in the fall we played football, in the winter we played hockey, in the spring baseball came around, and then soccer was the summer.  You’d change it up every once in a while- like wrestling in high school- but you played all the sports.  It wasn’t this idea of pick what you are going to play and focus on that or you’ll fall behind.  You just played.  I loved it.

There is actually a fairly new book out right now (“Range” by David Epstein) that talks about generalization being important for developing athletes.

My “daycare” was hanging out after school with whatever sport my dad was coaching that season.  Some of my favorite memories were being a little nine or ten year old kid and hitting the sleds with the linemen on the football team.  No mercy- I was one of those kids, the assistant coaches would whip me the ball as hard as they could.  They’d knock me down and would be like “Get up and wipe that blood off- you’re fine!” *big laughter*

They just threw you in the deep end.

*still laughing (brace yourself dear reader, you will be reading this particular action annotation a lot in this interview)*  Oh, I had no choice.  Growing up, everyone was like “oh, you’re going to be a professional football player” and I knew that I wasn’t, but people kept pushing me toward that.  So one of the biggest rifts with my parents growing up was I rebelled; I grew my hair long and I had always played the guitar growing up.  It pissed off my high school coach because I’d be running around during gym class with my hair all long making his players look bad- he would just be like, “*angry grumbling noise* cut your hair and get back on my team!”. *laughter again*

What kind of music were you into?

Mainly hard rock and metal- my band did a lot of Guns n’ Roses and Metallica stuff.  Led Zeppelin- I’ve always been a Zep Head.

Do you still play?

When I can.  It is what I relax with sometimes; I keep my guitar right there in the living room so I can just pick it up and play.  It is tough around here to do more than that because everybody thinks that they are a professional and they are going to be a star some day, so you can’t just go find a fun jam band.

Do you ever play any open mic nights or anything like that?

Eh- The closest I get to that around here is karaoke.  I love karaoke *another big laugh*

Sweet- do you have a go to karaoke song?

I usually warm up with Mustang Sally– the pitch and the vocals warms me up- then I go in all kinds of directions; I’ll do anything from Madonna to Metallica.  The bad part about doing karaoke with me is you have to fight me for the mic! *you guessed it, more laughter!*

How have we not done karaoke together yet?  There is a new member named Alli Vaughn who has quickly hopped in on some of the social events at The Shop.  At one of the recent gatherings *sigh… I miss gatherings* she and I were both talking about getting a group of people at The Shop together for karaoke.  That is really cool Chris.  So later in the interview, we will get a little more into some of your other interests, but we were talking about you during the manager meeting today and Dane was very curious about what you do for a living and how that relates to leadership in general.  Can you briefly summarize what you do?  I have a vague idea.

I am a general superintendent, so I manage teams; I manage people and (construction) projects.  My whole role is to help people grow and fulfill their role and manage each little piece in construction as we go along on a project.  Basically I’m a coach.  It is funny, I spent my whole life being a doer and over the past four years or so, that role has shifted for me; now I don’t manage the construction process or buildings themselves, I manage the teams and help them to be the best they can be at what they do.

How did you transition from “the doing” to “the coaching”?

A lot of it is trial and error- thinking about the things that bother you and trying to do things in a different way.  Trying to listen.  The one thing I love about my business is it is perfect for someone who has ADD or something because every two years you essentially start a new project.

When you start on a project, how do you know where to start?  I imagine it is something of a blank canvas- is there a first question you ask yourself or a first problem you attempt to address?

With construction it is all about documents and plans.  I don’t know what I’m going to do unless I understand what is being built.  You hone in for a week or two just on the details- what the project is– before you can start formulating a plan.  That is what I love about what I do; sometimes I am dealing with designs and helping engineers get to where they need to be, sometimes I am dealing with logistics, sometimes it is H/R, sometimes it is just dealing with clients at happy hours and helping client relationships.  I have to wear so many different hats-

And if I may, you’re wearing a lovely Dane’s Body Shop hat right now.

The best baby!  I don’t go anywhere without it- branding! *laughing (of course)*  Gotta represent.  But yeah, that is why I love it- because every day is different.  Some days it is just leading by example- if you can’t lead by example, nobody is going to follow you.  There are times where, if people aren’t getting things done, instead of jumping up and down and yelling at them, I just get up and show them how to do it.  If it means me just carrying heavy loads around or if I have to get dirty, that is what it takes to get the job done.

Do you have a particularly problematic type of person that you deal with?

Yep- whiners.  I can’t stand people who try to find excuses.  I keep a poster on my wall- it isn’t really a poster, it is just like 8×11, I’ve carried it for years– it is called “Winners and Losers”.  It is all about the people who figure out a reason why they can do something and the people who figure out reasons why they can’t.  It is the people who come up with reasons why they can’t that drive me nuts.

Do you have a strategy for dealing with that kind of person- do you just point to the poster or do you have words of wisdom?

*l-a-u-g-h-i-n-g* it is funny that you say that- when I start a project, one of the first things I do is print out copies of that poster, hand it out to everybody, and say “Hey, put this in front of your computer.”  *l_a_u_g_h_i_n_g*  It is a clear expectation.  The way these projects cycle through and start fresh, I get to learn from my mistakes.  It isn’t just a new challenge, it is a new team- new people.  So I get to think about what I could have done better with the last team and project and then apply what I think I did well at and then try other things when it comes to stuff that I didn’t do as well.  Nobody is perfect, it is all about growth.  If you cannot self analyze, you won’t go anywhere- you’ll just be that grumpy old superintendent that nobody wants to work around

As I get into my mid thirties and have had some more leadership experience, I think that my number one skill is looking at myself and saying “this is where you messed up Chad”.  It isn’t pretty, it sucks, and it keeps me up at night sometimes, but at the end of the day, that is the biggest tool someone can have.

If you can’t self evaluate, what are you gonna do?

Exactly.  Well, this is probably a good place to start talking about The Shop a little bit.  There is a lot of leadership at The Shop and it happens at multiple levels; obviously it starts with Dane because his name is on the joint, but then there is the management team, every coach is a leader, and then members themselves are leaders.  You are a leader- part of the reason someone gets selected to be the Athlete of the Season is that they’ve shown themselves to be a leader in some way.  Do you have any ideas about how leaders in The Shop environment can be better or things that they do well?

I always go in (to The Shop) with a good mood- I say hi to everybody and try to have a wonderful day because if you have a bad day in front of people, they take that in.  Leaders can’t have bad days- or you can have a bad day, but you can’t project that onto other people.  You need to learn how to deal with it without passing it on.  So if a coach is having a bad day and not focusing, it reflects on the class. 

That was something that came up about you while I was preparing for this interview- that we know you have a huge workload, but you can be counted on to come in at 5am and say hi to everyone. and how lovely that is.  To me, I think that is an expression of your own leadership at The Shop.

There are plenty of times I go in and I’m tired and worn out, but by starting off that way I have set my tone.  I might be battling something internally, but by maintaining (that positive tone) it helps me have a better workout, it helps me interact with people better, and hopefully it helps other people to have a better day.

That is one of the areas where I have analyzed myself and tried to improve recently.  I think I’m mostly pretty good at keeping control of myself in classes, but there have been classes where something bad has happened outside of class and I know I let it seep in.  It makes a difference.  There have been instances where I have fucked up as a coach because I wasn’t 100% positive and the coach that I wanted to be.

It isn’t about being fake, it is about a mindset.  I project a good mood because I want to be in a good mood and I want a good workout.  When I put myself in that mindset, even if I’m in a bad mood, by the end of the workout I am feeling alright.

Exactly!  It isn’t just for the members that I hold myself to being positive, it is because when I force myself to be positive, I almost always end up coming out of class feeling like I just had a therapy session.  Like I have used the members to help me feel better by feeding off of the shared positivity.

The gym for me is a therapy.  I grew up in the gym- it is where I want to be.  I feel miserable if I go through a stretch of not making it in.

That is something I wanted to get back to- you came to The Shop through your son, Chris Cordeiro Jr.  How did that connection come about?

I’ve always had gym memberships just to do my own stuff, but doing the same thing had gotten stale.  I had been building some projects downtown and I remembered seeing (The DBS) sign on Guadalupe and started wondering if I should stop in some time.  I knew what CrossFit was and knew I didn’t want to do that.  Well, believe it or not, I can be a shy person sometimes *big sheepish laughter*.  So my son ended up moving into The Triangle just down the street and I told him I had really been thinking about going.  He suggested that we go and try it together.  One day he called me and said, “Hey Dad, I went down there and I think you’re really gonna love it.”  A month or two later he was still prodding me to go and then one day he was like “Hey Dad, guess what I got you for your birthday present- I just bought you three months of membership at Dane’s!”. 

He just pinned you right up against the wall on that one-

Yes he did!  And I loved it from the moment I got there.

So we had three months of borrowed time with you to sell you on it?  It wasn’t just working out with your son that sold you was it?

We actually never really worked out together.  See he is a techie and a millennial- the worst combination!  He wakes up at 11 o’clock in the morning and goes to bed at 10 o’clock at night- I have to be at work at 6 in the morning.

Those damn millennials!

Don’t get me going *huge laughter*.  But yeah, I just loved the place and the people right away.  Of course there was Beth and she is the most amazing and wonderful coach you could have.  I love the accountability with her- she always pushes you to do your best.  

What else got you hooked that made you keep going past the three month mark?

The people- it is about the comradeship.  You have each other’s backs and you also push each other.  If you don’t show up, everyone is happy when you’re back and that makes you feel good.  I have a lot of tight spots in my body from bad workout habits growing up- I tear things easily.  One time I was injured for about two months.  My wife asked me what was wrong with me and I was like, “Honey… I think I am depressed because I miss my 5am people.  I really need to get back there!”

Poor little puppy dog!

You know it’s funny- I’ve always gone to the gym to workout, but when you are just doing it by yourself, it’s not as fun.  You don’t push yourself as much- you’re just there doing the motions, whereas when you’re with a group of people, it is like family.  It feels wonderful.

You feel safe and encouraged.  That is really well put.  Do you have anyone in particular that you feel that bond with?

Tom (Sennett) and Michele (Grieshaber).  They are the best.  I always tell them that they are my heroes.  When I found out I was Athlete of the Season, my reaction was that they are the Athlete of the Season.  Me, I’m just there- they are making me better.  They set a very high bar in those (5am) classes.  I sometimes go to other classes, and I never have a bad experience- there are always great people to workout with, but it just isn’t the same.  You don’t get the same kind of chippiness and talking going on.

Were you in class last week when Oliver from Manor came to the 5:30am class?  Oliver is the nicest guy and he has only been a member for a couple months.  He came to his first Hyde Park Class during my 7:30pm on Wednesday night and asked if I thought he should venture into the 5am Hyde Park class the next morning.  I told him he absolutely should- that he would love it and everyone is great.  Well, apparently he parked his car in front of the bay doors and Rachel just absolutely roasted him- he had no idea that people don’t park in those spots for when the door is open- it was cold and the bay doors were closed!

*Booming laughter*  Yeah, that sounds like Rachel!

But to his credit, he seemed to be totally down with whatever they did to him.  I think he liked it.

Yeah, Rachel and Melissa are fantastic- what inspirations they are.  But all of them- Mike, Robert… it is just a really good group.

My body doesn’t like to function at that hour, but I try to nab subbing opportunities when I can just because I like being around that group.

My problem is, for the last 25 years or so, I’ve basically worked from 6am to 6pm every day, so if I don’t go early I don’t make it.

That is bananas by the way.  Aside from getting to the gym, what other strategies do you have for dealing with the stress and demand on your mind, soul, and body from working that much?

I love to read-

Anything in particular?

I bounce around.  I just finished rereading Hamilton.  I like to switch between historical books and junk books.  I’m a Lord of the Rings nut, so I love good fantasy books.  So I’m reading a series about elves, dwarves, and giants called The Echoes of Fate.  

What else do you like to do to unwind?

I spend time with my grandson- take him rock climbing.  He is my pride and joy- I love him to death.  I play guitar, I read, my wife and I bought mountain bikes- you know, my best friend is my wife so she and I do everything together.

What is her name?

Kelly.

Has she come by The Shop?

She’s come to parties, but she is afraid to come work out. *laughing*  I’ll keep working on her!  

Guitars, books, mountain bikes- I also hear rumors of beekeeping?

Ha!  I’m a beekeeper by osmosis.  My wife is the one who got into it- she is big in sustainable agriculture.  She came back from a seminar and was like, “honey, the bees are being devastated, we need to do something about this.  We should get some bees.”  So we got a couple hives and four or five years later we have like ten hives and we just keep them going.  After going to all those seminars and having to do some of the heavy work for the hives, I just looked up and was like, “Hmm… I guess I’m a beekeeper now!”.  It is fun to do though.

The other rumor I heard about you is Salsa dancing?

I love to dance- all kinds.  I dance wherever I can- even if it is our house in the middle of the night, we dance together.  We actually met at a dance studio.  It was one of those things where I always loved to dance and my ex wife hated dancing.  After the divorce I just really wanted to learn real dancing.  My dad, as a gym teacher, had to teach a unit on dancing, so I sort of grew up with it, but I wanted to get really good at it.  My favorites are like the Lindy Hop and the Charleston and swing stuff.  But I’ve done Salsa and Tango.  I learned Western, but I’m not a Western music guy, so I did that out of necessity living in Texas.

Yeah, you have to be able to two-step.  As a person with a theatre background, I’ve learned a number of dances in my day- I used to be decent at tap- but the two-step evades me.  I know it is simple, but I can’t get it down.  My Dad was a legendary two-stepper, I just can’t get it.  

I just love dancing.  Growing up, my sister and I would sing show tunes and dance and just have fun!

I love that.  We’re going to hit a few more random questions before we wrap up.  I normally save those for the end, but we have actually hit a lot of them organically already.  I don’t know if you’ve read the other interviews I’ve done-

Oh, I have!  Believe me, I’m intimidated by you right now!

Well then, I’m going to make you cry Christopher!!!  Okay this is one of my favorites- you walk into a random room and what song plays?  What is your entrance music?

Good Times Bad Times- Led Zeppelin.

Very nice selection!  Who plays Chris Cordeiro in the biopic?

Shrek.  *you guys… such big laughter*

It is a little alarming how quickly you came up with that answer.  That is really good.  Do you have any pet peeves?

Yes.  People not putting things away- neatness.

Does that ever get you at The Shop- seeing people put stuff back in the wrong spot?

That and my wife.  *roars with laughter*  I follow her around putting stuff away.

Me too.  With us, it is La Croix cans- I’m constantly gathering La Croix cans she has left around the house- the bedroom, the bathroom… There will be like three cans in the bathtub, like she is getting La Croix drunk in there.  I applaud her for living her best life, but my goodness!  So as someone who reads biographies, if you could have dinner with anyone in history, who would it be?

That’s not fair!  I mean I would love to have a chat with Einstein… Julius Caesar- there are so many people that I would love to meet and pick their brains.

What if we narrowed the question a bit.  We talked a lot about leadership- is there someone you would particularly like to talk with about leadership?

I mean Caesar was fascinating, but he was a tyrant in his own right.  Actually- John F. Kennedy.

That is incredible you say that *pointing to my ankles* because I am wearing Kennedy socks.

Oh wow!  That’s pretty impressive.

*terrible Kennedy impersonation*  Ask not what yoah socks can do for you, but what you can do for yoah socks!

Great job!  JFK- he just had this vision and ability to inspire people.  I wish I had been around when he was alive to see him work.

And then there are the war stories and overcoming illness- and let’s be real, all that game he was spinning!  Rawr!

I mean when you’ve got that kind of power and you are that good looking. *laughing mischeviously*  See with Shrek, you don’t have to worry about that part.  

We will put a little Kennedy flair in Shrek when he plays you.  I guess this is a good place to put a bow on things.  I think we’ve covered some meaty issues, but are there any other thoughts you’ve had about Athlete of the Season or just general proclamations you would like to make?

Just that I’m humbled and that there are so many people that I feel like deserve it more than me.  I feel truly honored that I was ever thought of in this way- it makes me feel really good.

Aside from the positivity in class, any words of advice for our coaches?

Yeah.  No more burpees! *one more booming round of laughter for the road*

“Who is Better at Finding Sea Turtle Eggs than a Poacher” 

Caitlin Sullivan is an avid world traveler with a passion for helping others and the proud dog-mama of a three-legged dog.  She is moderately tattooed and immoderately strong.  Caitlin Sullivan is also a completely power-mad despot who seeks to end Body Shop liberality as we know it.  Read the chilling words below for entertainment, but also as a stern warning of the reign of terror she seeks to unleash upon us all.

Caitlin: We need to talk about why you are writing on the last page of your notebook instead of the beginning.

Chad: I couldn’t find my notebook, so this is actually my wife’s work notebook.  So I guess depending on how racy this interview gets, you might see me ripping out the pages and burning them.

She doesn’t need to know…

So I asked the management team for questions they wanted me to ask you and one of the  things that immediately came up was travel- that you travel a lot is actually one of the only things I know about you-

I don’t think it is that much.

 How much do you travel?

I try to do two international trips per year, but it sort of depends on the year.  Last year was a good year- I did three.

John had a really interesting angle in how he framed the question- he wanted to know how it started?  What caused the travel bug to take hold?

Oooh!  So, I had always wanted to but didn’t have a ton of money growing up, but my family was willing to sacrifice a little and I had the opportunity to travel for a month to Turkey in high school.  It was a really cool trip because you spent the whole (previous ) semester learning about Turkish history, reading Turkish authors, and learning a little bit of the language, so by the time you traveled there you appreciated it more than you would otherwise.  I went with like 15 other high school girls and when we would walk down the streets of Istanbul, that would turn heads.  The culture shock was really big compared to if you went to England.  We stayed long enough that we were able to see a lot of the country and meet a bunch of people and we had some crazy stories.

I want to go down two different paths with that answer- one is do you have any silly teenage girl stories from that trip you are comfortable sharing?

I have two crazy stories that were so wild that I still remember them.  So our first day we were walking through Istanbul and were on the metro and no joke, there was this guy who just took his dick out and started chasing all the girls on the metro with it.  So we were all screaming and everyone else was just looking at us like “we’re not helping these dumb American girls”.  Our guide had to come like shove the guy off the train.

Whoa!  And you had no idea that Harvey Weinstein would be in Turkey at the time did you?

No, I had no clue!  Yeah, he was pushy.  Crazy story number two: my best friend from high school went with us and there were all of these spiral staircases at the hotel.  To this day I am freaked out by spiral staircases because my friend fell down the stairs, hit her head, had a seizure, and turned blue.  So I went along because I was her friend with two teachers in a taxi and my friend is like speaking in tongues and I’m crying.  We went to one place and for some reason they couldn’t help us so we went to another place and people are all just sitting on the floor and smoking cigarettes.  We got put in the emergency area and my friend gets on a gurney that had blood on it-

Someone else’s blood?

Oh yeah- it wasn’t clean at all.  She needed an x-ray and so we went into the bowels of the hospital and there were leaking pipes and some guy in a wheelchair by himself.  They were like taking x-rays and no one was wearing any protective gear.  When she was released, the teacher had me wake her up all night every thirty minutes to make sure she wasn’t dead… but the rest of the trip was great!

So I’m doing the math because you told me your age and this had to have been 2006 or 2007?

Spring of 2007.

That is the other direction I wanted to go in with this-  that is not too long after 911.  What was the vibe like traveling to the Middle East not that long after 911?

That is a good point.  *thinks for a minute*  I think it was another perspective.  If you listen to like Fox News in America, you’re kind of fed this idea that muslims are all terrorists and they can’t stand for our way of life.  But Turkey was interesting because it is a secular country- granted if you go into a mosque you have to cover your elbows and knees- 

And the areas between your elbows and knees right?  I’m picturing you going in wearing a bikini with roller blades and knee and elbow pads.

Yeah, they didn’t so much like that.  *laughs*  So I think it was cool to see a different side of things.  I’ve gone to Morocco as well and it is cool to go to Islamic countries.  The other trip I could have gone on was Italy and that is cool- I’ll probably go there at some point- but why not go outside of your comfort zone while you have all this support from your school and everything is kind of planned?  It felt like a good opportunity to see something different.

I feel like I could turn off the recorder and we could spend like seven hours talking about where you’ve traveled.  In the interest of time, can you zero in on one travel experience you’ve had that you feel bursting out of you and want to share?

Yeah!  I went to college at a small liberal arts school in upstate New York;  I studied biology and Spanish and had a dream that I was going to train exotic animals.  Everyone throughout college was advising me that I wouldn’t be able to put biology and Spanish together so I didn’t know what I was going to do.  I knew I wanted to travel, so I ran a couple sea turtle conservation programs in Costa Rica.  That was really interesting because I was living in villages of like 50 people- dirt floors and no refrigeration.  You would work with people who used to be poachers- you would convert them into people who would save the eggs.  They were great to work with, because who is better at finding sea turtle eggs than a poacher? 

Ugh, now that I’m thinking about it I have so many travel stories: someone got in a machete fight and like killed somebody, another time there was flooding and we almost had to get food air-lifted to us because we were not connected to the outside word-

That is going to be a great sound bite right there. I need to have you in class more so these stories can just casually come up in conversation.  Another thing John and Mitch were curious about were your tattoos.  Remind me where and what you have?

I have roses on my arm, I have lily of the valley, and I have script on my foot.

Would you like to talk about the significance of any of them?

Sure!  The first one I got was the one on my foot.  Costa Rica was a really impactful life experience- getting me out of my comfort zone;  I think I run a little anxious and it it helped me chill the fuck out.  I wanted to get a tattoo to help commemorate the experience so a couple of us went to Panama to spend Christmas and New Years together and we all really wanted to get tattoos together.  We spent the entire day at this tattoo shop and everyone got something meaningful.  The day before we were going to go I still didn’t know what I was going to get and on the wall of the hostel we were staying at was a painting that said “Lo que sera sera” which means whatever will be will be.  So that is what I went with.

Do you have any overarching philosophy toward the ink you put on your body? 

That it has to mean something.  So the lily of the valley is for my grandma- she is still alive and was an important figure in my childhood.  She would sing me a lullaby every night called “Lily of the Valley”-

I’m not familiar with that one-

Well I’m not going to sing it because you’re recording, but it is a lullaby.  This one on my shoulder is for death and rebirth and new beginnings.  And this one (points to a prickly pear tattoo) is for all the growth I’ve had in Texas.  And more to come!

Another question John and Mitch came up with was for you to pick three people at Dane’s Body Shop and assign them a tattoo.  You probably should give Mitch and John one-

Mitch would definitely get a sneaker.  He’s the sneaker guy.

He’s kind of the style guy in general.  Where on his body would he get the sneaker?

I think it would have to be like a side profile on the side of his foot so that he is always wearing cool sneakers!

*Laughing*  That is brilliant, I love that!

Um John…  I can’t wait for him to listen to this.  I would have him get a watch because he can never stay on time- it’ll be like twelve minutes into class and we’re still talking about the warm-up.  *shouts into my phone as it is recording* You hear that John!  

Let’s be emphatic on this one Caitlin.  One of the great joys I have in these interviews is roasting John a little bit.

Oh, I take every opportunity I can!  Oh, he could also get a mountain or a garden.

Do you have placement ideas for John’s tattoo?  I think the watch would have to be like a teardrop tattoo under his eye- like they just let him out of prison for holding up class too long.

*loudly laughing* Yeah!  For the mountain?  let’s say back of the arm.  And okay, let’s talk about this *sits up straighter in her chair and adopts a stern tone*.  Dane would get a little espresso cup because I recently saw that there is a giant fucking espresso machine (in the storage closet at Manor) and I think we pay enough per month that we should get a cup of coffee when we come to class in the morning!  Barista Dane!

Caitlin, this is one reason that we call this a Danetatorshop and not a Danemocracy.  Well reasoned!  So the tats and travel was a great jumping off point, but now we need to spend at least a little bit of time talking about the more rote gym questions.  Like how did you come to be at Dane’s Body Shop?

That is a good question.  Honestly I think it is because I am lazy.  I moved into this house and I started looking at gyms within a mile of my house and I think Dane’s is literally the only one.  

That is actually how I ended up coaching at Dane’s.  We moved from Chicago and I didn’t have a car, so I literally walked past Dane’s every day on my way to work at the shitty gym that I initially got hired at-

Oooo… The Hyde Park Gym?  What kind of beef do you guys have with them?

No, no, no.  It was called Fitness 360 in The Triangle and they were so shitty that they don’t even exist anymore.  We actually have a great relationship with The Hyde Park Gym- we do group stuff and they do more individual stuff, so I refer people there all the time.  I like to think they do the same for us.

Oh!  Well that is really boring.  But aren’t there coaches (at Dane’s) who do individual coaching?

Oh sure, but we don’t really market that- we let the coaches find their own clients.

How do you like that?!?!  The interview is reversed now!  Are you sweating?

I’m going to start crying at any moment.  Damn it Caitlin, I’m going to take control of this shit right now!  So… when you came by Dane’s what was that experience like?  What sold you?  Who did you interact with?

Dude- I have the worst memory in the world.  Literally.  I can’t remember anyone’s name.  Actually I want everyone to get their names tattooed on their face! 

Okay, you heard that- everyone has a month to get their names tattooed on their face or their membership gets cancelled.  That’s the power of the Athlete of The Season- you have despotic power that you can really crush with.

Dane did say, “with great power comes great responsibility”.  My decisions during my reign could be felt for generations.  This could be it.

Every person I have interviewed so far has been very gracious with their power-

Uh-uh!

It seems like this is where we are finally going off the rails.

Sure.

Okay, so what were your first few weeks or months at The Shop like?

I remember it being really tough.  Particularly as a woman- you don’t always do barbell work and strength stuff; you’re more inclined to go on the elliptical or do yoga. So it was tough at first (at Dane’s), but I really liked that the emphasis was on being strong rather than being really skinny.  I think society tells you that is your value in the world- being pretty and skinny.  Like don’t take up space, literally or figuratively.  It felt really accessible because it didn’t seem to matter if you had been there a long time or were brand new, people were very welcoming and happy to teach you things.

Do you have a person in particular that helped you to feel welcome in those early days?

I mean John definitely.  When you initially come in, I was all like, “What do you mean I have to come in and do an hour ‘tour’?  Ya’ll get off your high horse!”.  But John is very personable and likes to chat with everybody- it wasn’t just like take your money and then get in and get out and hope that you never actually show up.  All the coaches, I think, really know when you are new and are able to fit helping you on your form into the regular classes.

Any particular accomplishments you are proud of at The Shop?

I think it has been really cool to see how much I can lift.  Granted, we have some really strong women at the gym, so I have some improvement to go, but when I hit 200# for my deadlift, that was super exciting.  It is cool to be able to see progress over time. I like that you never get bored.

Looking at your life outside the gym, have you noticed any impact from your fitness pursuit?

I think confidence.  I like sledgehammers and flipping tires and people don’t always expect that- I’m in H/R and people think that is boring, so it is cool to have a hobby that is out of the mainstream.

And you are working for that egg company right?

Vital Farms!

I bought my first dozen shortly after talking to you about them.  Those are fabulous eggs.  Is there anything about your job that really excites you?

I really like mission-driven companies.  I’ve come back to working with animals too!  You can work for a place that makes the world better, or a place that makes the world worse.  At the end of the day, what you do is probably just work and not what you are most passionate about, so if you can find a positive place to work for it makes it better.  I like the start-up world; it is wild and crazy. 

In these interviews, I feel like it is important to entreat on the reasons why you are here and talk about some gym-related stuff, but I also think it is important to just get into some weird questions.  This is actually a question I’ve never asked before- why do you think you were nominated to be Athlete of the Season?

Dude, I think you guys knew my reign would really just change the face of Dane’s Body Shop forever.  

You’re a total fucking demagogue aren’t you?

*Wild Laughter* What is Democracy?!?!  Russia helped me with this election-

Yeah you actually weren’t supposed to win Athlete of the Season.  All the bots went in for you which is a really bad sign.  One of my standby questions has always been, if you were to think of someone in the DBS community to run for president, who would it be and why?

Ooo… Wow.  So I can’t choose myself?

You can, and based on how this interview is going, I am guessing you will…

I don’t know that I’d really want to do that job- I like sleep too much, so I don’t think that is for me.  Honestly, I think you would do a pretty good job?

Me?

Yeah,  I think we would have a lot of allies.   Not a lot of drama, we wouldn’t go to war- I think you’d be really good post the current president-

Well, I am glad that is the bar I’d be trying to clear.

No, I think we have a lot of repairing to do with the rest of the world and I think you might be up to that challenge.

Thank you for not holding all of the orange he has against all of the orange I have.  You could have really profiled me on that.  Thank you Caitlin, that is very kind of you.

I’m just pandering to you so that I come off well in the interview.

Good call, I could really fuck you over on the edit!  If you were to be a superhero, what would your name be, what would your costume look like, what would your power be?

I’d be “Atomic Sass”-

Ooo… That’s good.

Yeah, you like that?  My costume?  It’d definitely be fucking latex because it has got to be latex if you’re a superhero right?  Catwoman style for sure.  

CaitWoman?  I’m sorry, that is a terrible suggestion-

Yeah, but it will probably stick now…  I’d definitely want a mask.  And my super power would be to break people with a sentence.

So you would just cut them down and they would wither?  That has actually happened to me five times during this interview already-

*more wild laughter*  My resting bitch face is super strong.  I can also disappear people just by not knowing their name.

Like if Thanos was a bitchy high school girl-

Yeah, but I’m nice too so put that in there.

*speaking deliberately and nervously into the recorder*  Oh yes guys, she is very nice.

*speaking deliberately and menacingly into the recorder* I’m fucking nice!

Call help please!  *laughing*  We’ve covered fitness, travel, tattoos, and eggs- are there any other surprising interests that you have?

So my dog and I- she is retired now- we used to do therapy work.

Tell me about your dog.

She is a three-legged pitbull named Jeanie.  She is the sweetest dog in the world.  We used to do therapy work at St. Davids, Austin Children’s Shelter, Helping Hand Home-

That is awesome.

Yeah, people might be surprised that evil Caitwoman, who can shrivel people with a word, might also care about people.

Our eleven pound chihuahua/terrier, Moose, absolutely loves pitbulls.

They are the best.  I want to have kids while she is still alive because she would be great with them- they are the original nanny dogs.

Can you talk about the history of pitbulls a bit?  I think it is fascinating.

Yeah!  Pitbulls have a pretty bad rap in today’s America- hello Denver BSL, fuck you- but back in the nineteen hundreeds, not too long ago, they were known as nanny dogds and were like the number one dog for people with kids because they were sweet and protective.  Now they are really unfairly labeled as aggressive and dangerous.  I hope that changes at some point- that was a lot of the work that we would do in therapy programs.  People would ask if she was a pitbull and I would go out of my way to say yes and show them what a pitbull really is.

That is really cool.  Okay, so if there were to be a film made of your life who would play you-

Let me stop you there.  There would not be a film made of my life because it would be so boring.

I don’t know about that.  Do you have a celebrity you’ve been compared to or that you would like to play you?  This is a little bit about your taste.

Oh my gosh.  So this isn’t totally related but I have a face where people think they know me.  Like every week or so, someone will come up to me and start talking to me and we have never met before.  So I’ve never really been like I look like a celebrity because I constantly get that I look like somebody.  I think it would be cool to have Jennifer Lawrence play me- hello Katniss, hello you can be any size you want in Hollywood-

She is a Goddess.  Another question I’ve been throwing out recently is, you walk into a room and everything just stops and it is this cinematic moment and-

And I trip.

Yes, you trip because I tripped you.  Because I know all the evil you are up to now.  No, what is the song that plays.  You walk into the room and people are looking at you, what is the song?

Um… that Sarah McLachlan song from the animal commercial?

*I start singing “I Will Remember You” even though it was totally “Angel” that was used in that commercial*… That’s a weird choice.

Yeah, that would not be the right song.  I don’t know, right now it might be a Lizzo song or something from Beyonce’s “Lemonade”.

Any figure in history that you could have an evening with to just talk, have dinner with, get it on with, who do you pick?

Get it on with?  George Washington’s wooden teeth get me hot, but I’d probably pass on that.  I’m always going to be a sucker for Barack Obama- could I get a twofer?  Maybe a little Michelle and Barack threesome?

Okay.  Just a nice dinner and maybe things progress from there?

A nice dinner and a nice dessert.

And we will leave what “dessert” is open for interpretation… she has really great arms-

*laughing* she really does!

It is always fun when I get to conduct one of these interviews with someone that I don’t know very well and this conversation was really fucking charging- I genuinely enjoyed myself.  You’ve already said some really thoughtful things, but I always like to close these by letting the athlete say anything else that is on their mind.  Is there anything you’d like to convey to the people reading this interview?

I just hope they understand that I am ending term limits on Athlete of the Season and that I will be continuing my reign indefinitely.

Wow!  Breaking news: Manor Athlete of the Season, Caitlin Sullivan-

Athlete of the Year.  Soon to be of the decade.

No athlete of the season any more at Manor.  Dark times- sorry guys.

*laughing* I just want to thank everyone for their support.  Particularly Putin and all the bots.  I’m really looking forward to being reelected.

We all are Caitlin.  I can’t imagine a better hegemon for life.  *interview ends with both of us cackling*