I Haven’t Done Leather, but I’m Into It
As a coach at Dane’s Body Shop, I often receive the honor of coaching an exceptional human during a workout. Sometimes I get the honor of not only coaching an exceptional human, but also interviewing them for a Shop Athlete Spotlight immediately after class. Such was my great good fortune on a pleasantly warm Thursday at our Hyde Park Shop. The exceptional human in question? Robert Carroll, one of our Manor Road Spotlight Athletes for this past Summer. A mischievous embrace of the darkness that colors our present pandemic days pervaded the conversation which served as an indelible juxtaposition to the positively sumptuous homemade crackers Robert presented me with at the beginning of the interview!
One of the things that I do when I set up these interviews is to ask the other coaches if they have thoughts on what they’d like to hear or how I should approach this.
That is terrifying!
The cutest one was Dane mentioned that when he and Ryan had baby Rex back in the Spring, you brought some food over to them. What did you bring?
I made all new recipes, because you never bring a tried and true recipe, you bring something you’ve never tried before! I brought them eggplant parmesan and the ugliest thing I have ever seen- sweet potato and black bean enchiladas. It… looked terrible, but it was delicious, I promise.
That is actually a favorite recipe in our house- we make it a couple times a month.
It just looks awful. I also brought them a bottle of wine and I dropped it coming out of HEB. Right in front- just all over myself. I was too embarrassed to go back in- I just ran away. I did end up getting them another bottle.
What sort of wine do you pair with enchilada casserole?
You want a full-bodied red. One that isn’t too spicy and won’t overpower the spices in the dish.
Dane was super appreciative of that. Have you been a long time cook or is this a pandemic thing?
Long time.
What got you into cooking?
I’m a former fat kid-
Yo tambien!
So in college, you’re always hungry but you’re too poor to go out to eat. Mom would buy the groceries though, so I could just put that on the credit card. You could get whatever you want. So I learned to cook because none of my fraternity brothers knew how to cook.
What did you study in college?
I went to The University of Missouri and I studied communication and business.
Are you from Missouri?
Mmmhmm… outside of St. Louis about an hour and a half west. Small little German town called Herman- it is winery central. I grew up around wine- wineries are just everywhere.
I know that you are, to this day in academia, so what sort of trajectory did you find yourself on from there?
I stuck around and did my Masters in higher ed because I wanted to be an academic advisor for some reason. Then I moved to Philadelphia where I worked at Temple university for 364 days. It was the worst job I’ve ever had. Then I was at The University of Kansas for two and a half years doing the same thing- academic advising. Lawrence was cool if you’ve never been.
One of our favorite members who moved away, Jake Jordan was from Lawrence and he was the biggest Jayhawks fan.
Mizzou and Kansas are huge rivals so when I was at KU, I always said that I was there doing god’s work- to help the children.
Like a Jesuit?
Yes, just show them how the world should be.
That is great- so Kansas and then where?
UT.
For your doctoral work? What is your doctorate in? What are you?
I did a PhD in interpersonal connection because I like to know what makes people tick and why we do what we do and UT had one of the best programs and faculty. Now I’m faculty teaching in the school of business and the college of communication- I’m very lucky.
This is a cool opportunity to marry two of these interviews. When I interviewed Erika Bsumek, the Hyde Park Athlete of the Season, I framed the interview through the lens of history because she is a history professor. Now, I’m not going to let the interview get too dark, but we do need to acknowledge, as you said before we started taping, 2020 is kind of fucked! I asked a similar question to Erika, but can you look at your area of expertise and find anything that gives you hope through dark times?
Oh hope? I was ready to go straight into the bad! *laughing*
Let’s do that then! Maybe hope is more of a 2022 proposition at this point.
I fully believe that midnight January 1st, 2021 everything will just be alright.
And you are an expert, so we can believe everything you say.
That’s right, Dr. Carroll says it is all going to be okay. There is a theory called, “inconsistent nurturing as control- INC” that says when you are in a bad relationship, when someone is always mean and beating you down, every once in a while there is something good and because it is the smallest thing that is good, you latch on to it. So it restores hope, but in reality it is just them giving you something good to pull you back when they see you are about to leave. Then you go back to that cycle of terrible; for me, that is 2020. *laughing*
Can you point to one of those small good moments that 2020 has deployed to pull you back in?
Um…. I got a kitten. I got a second cat- how about that?
Tell me about your cats.
I have one cat, her name is Boo; she is my little princess- I rescued from a car engine-
A car engine?
Yeah, it was Halloween and I was walking to the bus and I heard this meowing and then there she was, this itty bitty thing afraid of the world. I tried to help her and she ran into this parked car, so I called my friends and they helped pull her out- that is how I got her. She’s an asshole- very opinionated. She doesn’t know you, but she already doesn’t like you.
You know what Robert, fuck your cat! *laughs*
That’s alright, most people share that sentiment.
And who is the new kitty?
Her name is Rosé. She loves love bites, so you’ll be sleeping and doing your own thing at 4am… she got flung the other night- I felt so bad.
So circling back to your field of expertise and positive lessons, can you point to anything that makes you feel optimistic?
I actually think we are getting better at connecting. I think we’re finding ways to cut through the bullshit and find people that we actually connect with- who you actually like and get along with.
What do you think accounts for that? Is it isolation?
I think it is isolation and I think it is polarization. Everything is so polarized that when you do find someone you connect with, you feel like “you are my tribe, you are my people”.
So like separating the wheat from the chaff?
Yes. Absolutely.
Do you think that is a problem because we still have to live with the chaff?
*flatly* No. They’re fine.
*laughing* Okay, we can leave it there! So you are a professor, you cook, and you come to The Shop. If you were on a date with the readers of this interview, what are three other things they should know about you?
Um… three things they should know is that I’m single, I’m looking, and I’m handsome.
That’s great!
On top of that, I like to travel, I like video games, and naps.
Naps? Are you someone who naps in bed?
Absolutely. It has to be intentional. People who sleep on couches, I just don’t understand. How do I get your superpower?
I’m a couch napper.
That is not fair.
You and your cat are both going to have issues with me.
That is just not fair. You have to be intentional about it.
Can I sell you on being intentional on the couch? Maybe this is strictly a dog person thing, but I curl up on the couch with Moose; I’ve got my little woogie, curled up with his little cold nose in my armpit, the sun is coming in just a little bit and I’m propped up slightly so I am not too comfortable and I only sleep for like twenty minutes or so-
But (Moose) is warm and comfy. My cats put themselves in the most uncomfortable position, so I can’t get comfortable because they are comfortable. You don’t want to move because they are going to leave.
Maybe that is just the difference in napping between cat people and dog people. But those are good things to know about you- you might just get some matches from the Dane’s Body Shop dating app we are about to launch!
Look, you can swipe right- I’m in.
Is swiping right a good thing or bad thing?
Swipe right is “yes”. I think…
Alright, so let’s circle back to the obvious question- how did Dane’s Body Shop get so lucky to have you in our midst as a member?
My friend Maddie and I- our old gym shifted focus and went to something that we were not in to- so we were gym homeless for a couple of months and then found Dane’s.
What was it about The Shop that made you decide to join as a full member?
Well, I was scared of John at first; he would yell at me about ankle mobility- he still does. Beth Reyburn is just so nice in the morning.
Would you consider your relation John to be in that category you named earlier? What was it?
Inconsistent nurturing as control? *belly laugh* Absolutely not. I love you John!
Darn! One of my unofficial goals in these interviews is recording shots at John.
Give it time- I’m only one beer in. No, I was scared of John at first, but thanks to quarantine I’ve got to know him much better- his classes are fantastic and I look forward to them.
*sigh* I agree, John is an excellent coach- it is why I like to take shots at him. It is the crappy coaches that I never come after! Jokes… of course we only have excellent coaches at The Shop. So what has the journey been like in the time that you’ve been at The Shop? As a well trained academic and someone who is good at observing things, what have you observed about the community and your life at The Shop?
I am better for it.
Well I would have to imagine you were pretty damn good to begin with. But in what ways are you better Robert Carroll?
*laughing* Look, you didn’t yell at me about deadlifts today- I didn’t get yelled at.
Yeah, your form looked really great.
I guess I have hamstrings now- I picked up two of them. I have two calves that sometimes stretch the way they are supposed to. I did pull-ups today! Like three really consistently good pull-ups. I didn’t even need a band, I was very proud.
That is great! As it turns out, pull-ups are hard. So you still take the virtual classes right? What would be your review of those classes?
Hmmm… Maybe too much jumping. Not enough dogs- I like to see people’s dogs on the screen. The DJ could be better, but that is my fault. And I don’t know- they are just great.
Who are your regular virtual coaches?
It switches- John, Beth Felker, I always try to take Bean’s virtual yoga on Saturday because it is so soothing-
You don’t get enough dogs in Bean’s class?
She does! That is the problem- she has raised the bar for everyone else because it is like her and Squid teaching yoga.
I like that you love the virtual classes- I think they’ve been a great addition to the community.
Absolutely! I was able to travel and still take Shop classes, which makes me the happiest. That is the worst- you travel and then you feel disconnected from everyone. That sucks!
A couple more linear questions before we get into the rando questions, you’ve got Maddie who is your friend that you workout with here. Do you have anyone else you have developed a relationship with in the community- members, coaches dogs?
Beth Felker has been amazing. Again, one of the good parts of 2020 is that we are finding people that are of our tribe. I saw her for her birthday back in March and she was just like- “you seem cool, come on over!”.
That was like the last normal social thing that I did-
That was the last normal social thing that any of us did! And I was so excited- I’ve broken into the inner circle and get to go to a Dane’s party with cool people.
Well now you’re like a mosquito trapped in the inner circle forever. You’re just locked in.
So she and I will just go on hikes and walk and talk about our feels. She actually helped me buy a dresser. She taught me the joys of Facebook Marketplace-
Me too!
She went with me to pick up a dresser and the girl’s house smelled so much like weed. Beth was great, she is just like let’s do this. I called her a few hours later and was just like, “this is the worst piece of furniture I have smelled in my life”. But I dragged it outside, filled it with baking soda and vinegar- this is your pro tip- Sprinkle baking powder and put cups of vinegar in it and it will pull out the smell.
When I moved a couple weeks ago, Beth watched Moose while we moved our stuff.
Do Quigley (Beth Felker’s stately and regal dog) and Moose get along?
Apparently they do- or it is more like they are both old men so they are just largely indifferent to one another. Beth’s verdict was that Moose is a lot more of an aggressive snuggler than Quigley. Quigley is much more independent than Moose is.
Beth has been fantastic, Bean has been awesome- seeing her face for yoga.
I don’t know if it is a hidden gem, because plenty of people know about it, but Bean’s virtual yoga class is-
No, nobody come to Bean’s yoga class, it is terrible! It is mine- I mean don’t come!
Robert, it is in the virtual space so it won’t fill up.
I know but at some point it will be on site again and I was always afraid that it would fill up- it was like the best kept secret.
Well this will be stricken from the record. We can take that bit again. What I hear about Bean’s yoga class is that it is really awful and she does things like throwing pieces of lukewarm bologna at people when she coaches in person. I hear that she smells like weed and vinegar in person.
*laughing* and there are no cute dogs and she never affirms you and makes you feel good…
Any members that you have connected with?
That is what sucks! Just as my schedule was clearing up and I was able to come, COVID happened.
I think that is the one drawback of the Virtual classes- you can connect with people you know already, but it is hard to create bonds with other members.
Yes. Well I will say that Victoria Harvey… she is always there and she is always fantastic.
I agree. I saw her and Daisy this morning.
Her and Daisy bring me such joy.
Are you ready for some random questions? Just rapid fire.
Yes.
Okay, if you were a professional wrestler what would your gimmick be and what would your entrance music be?
Man, that is a good question.
Maybe there is something we could mine with your cooking or with cats. You could do like a Michelle Pfeiffer leather thing?
I haven’t done leather, but I’m into it.
That is now the title of the interview-
*roaring laughter* I’m picturing something like the Chris Hemsworth Thor costume with like carved out abs and instead of a hammer it is a cast iron skillet.
That is good! Do you have a song?
It would have to be something like Robyn- dancy but emo and I’d like lull people in by making them feel comforted then bam I would crush them.
That sounds a little bit like what you were describing earlier. Maybe your wrestler name is The Inconsistent Nurturer?
*laughter* I bring you in and then I beat you with a skillet.
That is great. Okay, this is my election year question- if you could nominate one person in the DBS community to be president of the United States, who would it be?
You, Chad Ramsey.
Me Chad Ramsey?
You, Chad Ramsey.
Well that is a hot take right there Robert.
Thanks to your instagram, I know you are knowledgeable in the area of presidents. You are a fabulous person who loves all people. I like a leader who is knowledgeable, loves all humans, and just loves to get down once in a while.
I think the idea of a president who loves to get down once in a while is an oddly important one. Well thanks, I’ll take it. I accept that nomination from you. If you had one super power, what would it be?
I watched a video today about court stenographers. The ability to type like 500 words per minute would be amazing.
That seems like you are picking something mundane, but I could see this choice having potential. In this world where so much is online and with a keyboard, I could see many ways this would set you apart from everyone else.
You just get up in the morning and deal with all the bullshit in like five minutes and-
And you have the rest of the day. You have the rest of the day to nap in your bed ya freaking weirdo-
Look, you’ve got to be intentional about these things.
Have you ever done a coffee nap? Caffeine has a half life of like thirty minutes so if you drink a cup of coffee real fast then lay down and take a nap, you wake up in like fifteen or twenty minutes completely refreshed. It is like a cheat code.
Anyone who has a PhD knows that trick. If they don’t, what are they even doing?
Right because days are short and life is short. Wow, it is getting back to that dark place.
I still can’t think of anything hopeful about 2020.
That is okay- I got plenty of hope and positivity from my interview with Erika last night. We can just be dark in this interview.
*laughing* Good, because I have nothing.
Speaking of Erika, I have a question that she suggested a twist for. I will often ask people if they could have dinner with any historical figure who would it be and she suggested that I change the question to if you could work out with any historical figure who would it be. Spotting one another, sharing a barbell. Who would you choose?
Am I flirting with them?
That is a possibility- I like that angle.
Again, I’m single and I’m looking…Hmm… I am going through my rolodex of cute historical figures. I’ve been playing a video game- and this is super nerdy- I’ve been playing a video game about the Greek gods and so that is all I’m thinking about. So strong, buffed out Hercules… He could probably give you some good tips. The Disney movie about him was under-rated. The songs were fantastic.
*begins singing Michael Bolton’s “Go The Distance”*… Would you still make this your choice if Michael Bolton had to tag along?
Yes. One hundred percent. What a thrupple- me, Michael Bolton, and Hercules. Is there leather?
Michael Bolton hasn’t done leather, but he is into it. The best place to leave off on is asking you based on your reflections as athlete of the season- because you are now in the Pantheon, circling back to our Greek themes- what is the thing that you want to be remembered for?
I haven’t farted during deadlifts.
Any other words of wisdom to share with your admirers, supplicants, and peons?
To borrow words from our imminent sage Sia, “You are loved, keep going”. She just tweets that randomly sometimes and it fills me with joy.
That is great. Thanks Robert!
