Just Show Up

It was a beautiful early October Saturday afternoon when I sat down with Charli new on the turf outside of our Hyde Park Shop.  There was a pleasant breeze in the air and a six pack of chilly brews in a bucket.  What more could you want?  

I’ll tell you what more!  A witty, insightful, and beautifully heartfelt discussion with someone who I am now determined to become close good lifelong friends with.  Read the transcript of the rollicking conversation I had with them and I am certain that you too will want to be chummy with Charli.

We’ve got three Summer athletes and I’m interviewing all three of you separately, so I’ve been trying to pick a theme to frame each of the interviews.  Instead of imposing a theme on you, I thought I might ask if you had an idea of how best to frame a discussion about you and fitness and god-knows what else we might get into.

If you were going to pick a theme, I have a long history with food- being a foodie.  That is something that very few people know about me.

I think that is a great place to start.  In fact Robert, your co-Manor athlete also described himself as a foodie.  He actually showed up to our interview with homemade crackers! I’m not sure if he was trying to bribe me so that I make him come off better in the interview transcript, but they were delicious.  

Wow!  That is badass.

I always like to have a little biography.  So let’s talk about Charli New, where you came from and how you got here, through the lens of food.

Okay.  I was born and raised in Edmond Oklahoma; this suburb off of OKC that no one would ever need to stop at or drive through.  It is not my personal favorite place for a myriad of reasons.  I lived there until I went to college at OU.  I went there for film which I had very lofty goals for.

To be the next Wes Anderson?

Oh I was one of those kids that going into college I had my hobbies and passions and wasn’t very practical so I just thought I’d turn that into my career.  And my parents were the opposite of many parents and impressed on me that I should do what I want and not worry about money.  So I went into film… at the University of Oklahoma.  Fucking terrible idea.  I thought I’d be an editor- that was what I was really into.  So I graduated right when the economy crashed and I had a brilliant idea: I’ll move to Los Angeles in the middle of all of this.  A great idea- I’ll take all the money that I’ve saved and I will move to California with my best friend and we will work in the film industry… which is exactly what did not happen.  We were unpaid interns the whole year.

Good on you for sacking up and trying!

Yeah, I lived in a youth hostel for like three months in a bunk bed.  I would walk around with my resume from place to place just trying to get a job.  It is impressively hard to get a job in Los Angeles because everyone is so hot that they will hire you based on your looks- places would ask for a headshot just to get hired as a waiter-

I have to interject because I had a similar life course, but I moved to Chicago to pursue acting.  I ended up getting a fair amount of roles as a leading man type based on how I looked.  People would ask, have you thought about going out to LA? I was like, “I’m not getting these roles in California- I’m getting cast as the chubby best friend”.  “Midwest hot” as a qualifier is a real thing.

That is amazing- I could go on an entire rant about that.  So, that didn’t last too long because I ran out of money.  Like a Lifetime movie, on the day my mom came to pick me up, because I had to have her come out, I had just enough money to pick her up at the airport, but I didn’t have enough money to buy gas to get back so I had to ask her to buy.  So I came back and ended up getting a job at a cheese shop- this is where the food part comes in to play- and I was pretty aimless at this point.  So I was back in Oklahoma and I just fell in love with cheese and just nerded out on it really hard.  I jumped ship from that cheese shop to work at Whole Foods and I have worked at Whole Foods for ten years!  I applied to get this certification that doesn’t have a sexy name like “sommelier”, it is just “Certified Cheese Professional”, but I studied like crazy- it was the hardest test I’d ever taking in my life-

So “piece of cake” means easy and “piece of cheese” means difficult.

Exactly.  At the time I was one of only three people in Texas who had the certification.  From that point on I just kept climbing that Whole Foods ladder.  Right around the time that I decided I didn’t want to work in retail, a job opened up at the corporate office and I got it.  It is going to sound like the most obnoxiously long title, because it is: The Exclusive Brands Category Merchant for Salty Snacks, Candy, and Dips-

WHAT?  That is pretty fucking prestigious.

Long story short, what that means is I get to launch new products in those categories and I work with different suppliers and manufacturers throughout the country to come up with crazy concepts and bring them to shelf.  I feel very lucky- I stumbled out of my unused college degree and was sure I’d become an insurance salesman or something but I stumbled into something else that I really love.  It is a little bit of creativity, a little bit of food science, and some business vernacular.  I get to make some weird foods; if you find smokey cheddar and maple caramel popcorn on the shelf at Whole Foods it is me.

So you are really giving back to the community?

*laughing* I’m trying!  Needless to say, my job requires me to eat so much food- bringing it full circle- that I have to workout all the time!  

That is perfect!  I was going to push you into a segue and you just preempted it!  I was curious if there is a linear connection between being someone who is a foodie and someone who is super regular at a gym?

Yes.  I had always wanted to be a very fit person.  That has come and gone to different degrees, mostly because I have focused on becoming “fit” and less on finding fitness I enjoyed.  When I started my job in the office- 

Your full job title one more time for the readers?

The *pauses*- see even I stumble over it!  The Exclusive Brands Category Merchant For Salty Snacks, Candy, and Dips.  So I started in the office and I went from walking like 15,000 steps a day and hardly taking a break to eat to sitting at a desk and being paid to eat an inordinate amount of food.  It just was not sustainable.  For a blip, I was the most unhealthy I had ever been.  I made jokes about letting myself get to rock bottom and then once I got there I am going to climb right back out.

That is bold!

And that is what I did actually!  The thing that brought me (to The Shop) was I had these lifelong fantasies of becoming this extremely strong person, but I was daunted by the idea of going to a “Crossfit Gym” because I thought- I don’t know how to say this without sounding like an asshole-

Go ahead and be an asshole.  If it is too much I’ll sand off the edges in the transcript.

I’ll just say what I mean then; I was afraid of being around a large amount of “bros”- mean bros.  People who are judging me-

Charli, I’m going to stop you right there, that isn’t be an asshole that is being a realist.

And how do I say this?  From what I can tell (those gyms) aren’t super welcoming of people who are outside the norm of what fits for that brand.  I don’t see a lot of “LGBTQ? Come on in!”.  On top of that, if you have let yourself get as unhealthy as you can, you are not particularly excited to work out next to someone who is like 6’2″ and can like lift his feet over his head 25 times while hanging- I couldn’t even just hang.

But side note and detour- you can now do a pull-up right?

I can!  Yes and a lot of other things actually!  So my sister came (to The Shop) and this was the first time in her life that she ever found exercise she liked and kept up with it.  She was so in love with it that she told me to come and said I would love it.  So I signed up and met with John-

How long did that tour take by the way?

It was a minute! *laughing* but he sold me- I was in.

I bust his chops, but he is fucking good.

I was like, I immediately trust you for some reason.  He asked me what my goal was and I remember exactly what I told him.  I said, “I want to get freaky strong”.  And he told me he had a plan for me.  So I was in the midst of being the least healthy I had ever been.  I had never found a way to exercise that I liked.  I was kind of blown away by the experience I had here.

Did you have any particular moments that stood out?

Oh, so many!  It is hard to say if there was a moment per se, but it is more of a vibe.  So I told you that I was from a shit town in Oklahoma right?

Sorry Edmond!

Oh, you can put that in the transcript!  You can always tell, without words being exchanged, when you are welcome and normalized- when you can walk into a room and there is nothing unusual about your presence here and when there is.  Sometimes you just have to push through that and declare that you are allowed to be somewhere.  Right away walking into (The Shop) I was prepared to have to do that, but from day one I was like “Holy shit!”.  I had found the gym where all kinds of people get to work out together and be really kind to one another.  There are varying degrees of all sorts of things- people being in the most amazing shape and people who are on the beginning of their fitness journey, there are Black people here and White people here, there are people with accents, there are so many gay people here, varying degrees of gender nonconformity.  I was shocked. I guess I shouldn’t have been shocked because we live in Austin.

The gym ecosystem is different.  There is more of a martial feel to it.

One hundred percent.  So once I had that experience I was like, “might as well sign my name in blood- I’m in”.  The other piece that clicked for me was the coaches.  I did not know the value of having people speak to you in a way that was encouraging but also helping you improve.

Constructive, but not critical?

Yes, because you walk into a place and you think you are going to be the only asshole who can’t do a power clean or something like that.

We’ve got lots of assholes who can’t do power cleans!

Instead it feels completely different than that.  As cheesy as it sounds it feels very engaging and loving in a way, which is a rare currency right now.  This place is like heaven to me.  I look forward to coming here every day and I used to dread exercise; it was a thing I  had to do.  But now this is my hobby.  I can confidently say that as long as I live in Austin, I will be a member indefinitely-

Well that is legally binding now that I have it on tape.  That is great to hear!  So I alluded to the fact that you can now do a pull-up and I think that is a tremendous accomplishment any time someone gets their first pull-up.

I had convinced myself that it was physically impossible for me to do- that it was a hallmark characteristic of the fittest people.  Like only super fit people can do a pull-up, that I’d never be able to do a pull-up.

How did you get to this point?  To what do you ascribe your considerable success at The Shop?

That is a good one.  So, without sounding like a self help book, because maybe this is particular to me, but I used to be a person who was so obsessed with doing the very best at everything and if you can’t do it right then don’t bother.  You could call it perfectionism, but I don’t think that is what it is.  It stopped me from doing a lot of things and made me push myself too hard.  It made it challenging to be consistent when you expect yourself to be at 200% every time, when you aren’t, you berate yourself and then you quit.  I had done this to myself so many times through my journey in fitness that I just decided that I would just show up every time.  That was it.  That was my expectation for myself; that if I did the shittiest workout it didn’t matter just as long as I showed up.  I have maintained that mantra the whole time.  I tried to commit to five classes and that is what I did-

Five classes a week right from the jump?  That is impressive.

Yeah and then to my shock that worked!   I thought you had to be dialed in all the time to get results, but once I started to see that just showing up was the key- that changed everything for me.  It also made it fun!  When you can just say “I’m just going to work out with my friends and have a good time”.

How about that initial goal of “becoming freaky strong”.  Do you feel like you’ve gotten there?

Not yet, but I do feel stronger than I’ve ever been and for the first time ever I know that I will be freaky strong.  I am 100% certain that if you talk to me this time next year October 3rd 2021, I bet you I will be mother fucking strong.

Mother fucking strong is even stronger than freaky strong-

When I was a kid I was obsessed with American Gladiators.  I wanted to be an American Gladiator which seemed unattainable.  I don’t know that I’ll do that, but I do have high aspirations for myself.  Like- I’m just going to put this out there- I would like my bench press max by the end of next year to be something in the range of 150-160lbs.  I’m at like 110lbs now.  Prior to starting here I had never done a full proper push-up, so going from that to being able to bench press 150lbs is an outrageous amount of (growth) in two years.

It isn’t outrageous, but it is impressive.  That level of commitment to showing up is why it isn’t outrageous.

Once I have accomplished that, I will print myself a t-shirt that says “I’m freaky strong”.  

I love that.  Okay, so I want to hop in to some random questions.  The first one I want to ask you, as a film person, is to think of a biopic being made of Charli the freaky strong person and think about either who would play you in the film, who would direct the film, and what genre the film would be.  You can answer any of those elements you like.

Oh this is hard.  P.T. Anderson is one of my faves, but I can’t see him directing the film of my life so I am going to think about that one.  The genre wouldn’t make it to most theaters- it would be like at The Violet Crown or something.  So there is this movie with Cate Blanchett called “Carol” that is really good.  Todd Haynes is the director, so I’ll go with that.

Alright, so let’s imagine that you are an American Gladiator, what is your name and what is your gimmick?

I have so many nicknames- oh, well it is Carlitos! *dear readers, I am blushing at this point because that is my nickname for Charli*  So my shtick would be that I’d be able to lift those extremely large and heavy wheels of cheese.  People would be shocked at how heavy some of those wheels are!  But man, that movie question is a tough one.  Maybe this shouldn’t be in the transcript, but when you are in the LGBTQ community, you have very little representation of your options (of actors who could play you); if you grew up in the eighties you have almost none.  So what you do is pluck from bits of people.  As your world expands, you realize it was not the fit.  If you aren’t in that community, it is presented to you in the very beginning of your life- that you can be any of those things.

There weren’t any androgynous Gladiators-

Not at all!  So you reinvent yourself many times until you finally find who you really are.  And we’re living in a world where that is possible now.

I really like that.  Pending your approval, most of that is probably actually going to go in the transcript.  I’m not talking much because I’m really fascinated by your perspective.  I don’t know much about your musical tastes, but another question I ask people is if you were to give yourself a theme song that played when you walked into a room, what would it be?

*laughing*  This is one of my favorite questions!  My answer is, not for the lyrics but for the vibe, there is a Martin Gaye song called “Got to Give it Up”.  

That is a good one!  One I always ask people during an election year is if you were to nominate someone from the DBS community to be POTUS, who would it be?

It might be Beth- Canadian Beth.  

You are not the first person to answer that; Beth has received some well deserved traction there.  

I think she is tough but has this unusually perfect balance of being able to take a lot and knows what she believes in but is also very warm.  She feels extremely sincere- that she cares about everyone who crosses her path.  And you would be the Vice President.

Really?  I would be honored to be her VEEP.

The only reason I wouldn’t pick you for president is I don’t think you’d like it as much-

And if we’re being real, I probably have way more skeletons in my closet than Beth.  There was a moment leading up to the shutdown in March when we knew the virus was coming and Beth told us during a manager meeting that she was actively chiding members for not washing their hands.  And I told her Beth, you can pull that off- not all of us are capable of telling another grown human to wash their hands.  Now, I think it is normal-

Yeah, at the time I think someone would think that was really aggressive.

But yeah, of course she said that and it worked.  She’s Beth.  So one more random question!  When I interviewed Erika Bsumek earlier in the week she amended my classic question which is: if you could have dinner or spend the evening with one person from history, who would it be?  She suggested that I change it to “if you could work out for an hour with one person in history who would it be?”.  I absolutely love the tweak, so that is what I am asking you.

So I have my dinner party already planned out-

Well let’s go with that answer then!

I do want to answer your question!  Okay, honestly- Rupaul.  I want to work out with Rupaul.  That person has been an extraordinary influence on me in a way that is odd for someone I don’t know.  I’m not the only one, but I think there is something profound about Rupaul in that they carved their own way decades ago.  It was probably absolutely terrifying but now they have this career and legacy as a consequence of that and have impacted so many people’s lives.

And I bet Rupaul could sling some weight around too!

Oh I’m sure!  Rupaul has to exercise because they are like un-aging.  

That is very cool.  The last thing that I tie things up with is any thoughts you’d like to share or reflections?  I do these interviews as late as possible in the athlete’s term because I want them to have that time to think about it.  Any decrees or words of wisdom?

I don’t have any words of wisdom, I have a lot of appreciations.  First of all, I thought it was a mistake or typo when I received that message (that they were Athlete of the Season).  When it was clear you weren’t fucking with me I was like HOLY SHIT.  It is an appreciation for the entire group of people who work out here and run this place.  In the current state of affairs, without being too gloom and doom, this is a rare microcosm of culture that doesn’t exist often; where people are extremely kind to each other and I think that is super special.  So I guess I would say thank you to everyone who works out here.

I love that you led with the members- the people who work out here.  That is what it is all about.

So many people who work out here- just the simple act of introducing themselves.  Okay, so there is this guy and I don’t even know his name, but I will tell him thank you some time… I remember my first partner workout and I was horrified when John laid it out because I was like “I am absolutely going to ruin this person’s hour” because it was a speed game where you have to do something as fast as you can to alleviate what your partner is going through, so I am about to put this person through hell.  I felt like when you pick teammates and I would be the last person you would want- this was in the early days for me.  And this guy, the whole time- every time I finished a set, he told me what a great job I did and had a smile on his face the entire time.  And we finished first!  I don’t know how we did it because I didn’t cheat!  That kind of shit goes so far now.  Always really, but particularly now.  The fact that I still think about that is meaningful.

I want to know who this is!  The next time you see him point him out.

I absolutely will!

I think that is a lovely note to end on.

I Haven’t Done Leather, but I’m Into It

As a coach at Dane’s Body Shop, I often receive the honor of coaching an exceptional human during a workout.  Sometimes I get the honor of not only coaching an exceptional human, but also interviewing them for a Shop Athlete Spotlight immediately after class.  Such was my great good fortune on a pleasantly warm Thursday at our Hyde Park Shop.  The exceptional human in question?  Robert Carroll, one of our Manor Road Spotlight Athletes for this past Summer.  A mischievous embrace of the darkness that colors our present pandemic days pervaded the conversation which served as an indelible juxtaposition to the positively sumptuous homemade crackers Robert presented me with at the beginning of the interview!

One of the things that I do when I set up these interviews is to ask the other coaches if they have thoughts on what they’d like to hear or how I should approach this.  

That is terrifying!

The cutest one was Dane mentioned that when he and Ryan had baby Rex back in the Spring, you brought some food over to them.  What did you bring?

I made all new recipes, because you never bring a tried and true recipe, you bring something you’ve never tried before!  I brought them eggplant parmesan and the ugliest thing I have ever seen- sweet potato and black bean enchiladas.  It… looked terrible, but it was delicious, I promise.

That is actually a favorite recipe in our house- we make it a couple times a month.

It just looks awful.  I also brought them a bottle of wine and I dropped it coming out of HEB.  Right in front- just all over myself.  I was too embarrassed to go back in- I just ran away.  I did end up getting them another bottle.

What sort of wine do you pair with enchilada casserole?

You want a full-bodied red.  One that isn’t too spicy and won’t overpower the spices in the dish.

Dane was super appreciative of that.  Have you been a long time cook or is this a pandemic thing?

Long time.

What got you into cooking?

I’m a former fat kid-

Yo tambien!

So in college, you’re always hungry but you’re too poor to go out to eat.  Mom would buy the groceries though, so I could just put that on the credit card.  You could get whatever you want.  So I learned to cook because none of my fraternity brothers knew how to cook.

What did you study in college?

I went to The University of Missouri and I studied communication and business.

Are you from Missouri?

Mmmhmm… outside of St. Louis about an hour and a half west.  Small little German town called Herman- it is winery central.  I grew up around wine- wineries are just everywhere.  

I know that you are, to this day in academia, so what sort of trajectory did you find yourself on from there?

I stuck around and did my Masters in higher ed because I wanted to be an academic advisor for some reason.  Then I moved to Philadelphia where I worked at Temple university for 364 days.  It was the worst job I’ve ever had.  Then I was at The University of Kansas for two and a half years doing the same thing- academic advising.  Lawrence was cool if you’ve never been.

One of our favorite members who moved away, Jake Jordan was from Lawrence and he was the biggest Jayhawks fan.

Mizzou and Kansas are huge rivals so when I was at KU, I always said that I was there doing god’s work- to help the children.

Like a Jesuit?

Yes, just show them how the world should be.

That is great- so Kansas and then where?

UT.

For your doctoral work?  What is your doctorate in?  What are you?

I did a PhD in interpersonal connection because I like to know what makes people tick and why we do what we do and UT had one of the best programs and faculty.  Now I’m faculty teaching in the school of business and the college of communication- I’m very lucky.

This is a cool opportunity to marry two of these interviews.  When I interviewed Erika Bsumek, the Hyde Park Athlete of the Season, I framed the interview through the lens of history because she is a history professor.  Now, I’m not going to let the interview get too dark, but we do need to acknowledge, as you said before we started taping, 2020 is kind of fucked!  I asked a similar question to Erika, but can you look at your area of expertise and find anything that gives you hope through dark times?

Oh hope?  I was ready to go straight into the bad! *laughing*

Let’s do that then!  Maybe hope is more of a 2022 proposition at this point.

I fully believe that midnight January 1st, 2021 everything will just be alright.

And you are an expert, so we can believe everything you say.

That’s right, Dr. Carroll says it is all going to be okay.  There is a theory called, “inconsistent nurturing as control- INC” that says when you are in a bad relationship, when someone is always mean and beating you down, every once in a while there is something good and because it is the smallest thing that is good, you latch on to it.  So it restores hope, but in reality it is just them giving you something good to pull you back when they see you are about to leave.  Then you go back to that cycle of terrible; for me, that is 2020.  *laughing*

Can you point to one of those small good moments that 2020 has deployed to pull you back in?

Um…. I got a kitten.  I got a second cat- how about that?

Tell me about your cats.

I have one cat, her name is Boo; she is my little princess- I rescued from a car engine-

A car engine?

Yeah, it was Halloween and I was walking to the bus and I heard this meowing and then there she was, this itty bitty thing afraid of the world.  I tried to help her and she ran into this parked car, so I called my friends and they helped pull her out- that is how I got her.  She’s an asshole- very opinionated.  She doesn’t know you, but she already doesn’t like you.

You know what Robert, fuck your cat! *laughs*

That’s alright, most people share that sentiment. 

And who is the new kitty?  

Her name is Rosé.  She loves love bites, so you’ll be sleeping and doing your own thing at 4am… she got flung the other night- I felt so bad.

So circling back to your field of expertise and positive lessons, can you point to anything that makes you feel optimistic?

I actually think we are getting better at connecting.  I think we’re finding ways to cut through the bullshit and find people that we actually connect with- who you actually like and get along with.

What do you think accounts for that? Is it isolation?

I think it is isolation and I think it is polarization.  Everything is so polarized that when you do find someone you connect with, you feel like “you are my tribe, you are my people”.

So like separating the wheat from the chaff? 

Yes.  Absolutely.

Do you think that is a problem because we still have to live with the chaff?

*flatly*  No.  They’re fine.

*laughing*  Okay, we can leave it there!  So you are a professor, you cook, and you come to The Shop.  If you were on a date with the readers of this interview, what are three other things they should know about you?

Um… three things they should know is that I’m single, I’m looking, and I’m handsome.

That’s great!

On top of that, I like to travel, I like video games, and naps.

Naps?  Are you someone who naps in bed?

Absolutely.  It has to be intentional.  People who sleep on couches, I just don’t understand.  How do I get your superpower?

I’m a couch napper.

That is not fair.

You and your cat are both going to have issues with me.

That is just not fair.  You have to be intentional about it.

Can I sell you on being intentional on the couch?  Maybe this is strictly a dog person thing, but I curl up on the couch with Moose; I’ve got my little woogie, curled up with his little cold nose in my armpit, the sun is coming in just a little bit and I’m propped up slightly so I am not too comfortable and I only sleep for like twenty minutes or so-

But (Moose) is warm and comfy.  My cats put themselves in the most uncomfortable position, so I can’t get comfortable because they are comfortable.  You don’t want to move because they are going to leave.

Maybe that is just the difference in napping between cat people and dog people.  But those are good things to know about you- you might just get some matches from the Dane’s Body Shop dating app we are about to launch!

Look, you can swipe right- I’m in.

Is swiping right a good thing or bad thing?

Swipe right is “yes”.  I think…

Alright, so let’s circle back to the obvious question- how did Dane’s Body Shop get so lucky to have you in our midst as a member?

My friend Maddie and I- our old gym shifted focus and went to something that we were not in to- so we were gym homeless for a couple of months and then found Dane’s.  

What was it about The Shop that made you decide to join as a full member?

Well, I was scared of John at first; he would yell at me about ankle mobility- he still does.  Beth Reyburn is just so nice in the morning.

Would you consider your relation John to be in that category you named earlier?  What was it?

Inconsistent nurturing as control?  *belly laugh* Absolutely not.  I love you John!

Darn!  One of my unofficial goals in these interviews is recording shots at John.

Give it time- I’m only one beer in.  No, I was scared of John at first, but thanks to quarantine I’ve got to know him much better- his classes are fantastic and I look forward to them.

*sigh* I agree, John is an excellent coach- it is why I like to take shots at him.  It is the crappy coaches that I never come after!  Jokes… of course we only have excellent coaches at The Shop.  So what has the journey been like in the time that you’ve been at The Shop?  As a well trained academic and someone who is good at observing things, what have you observed about the community and your life at The Shop?

I am better for it.

Well I would have to imagine you were pretty damn good to begin with.  But in what ways are you better Robert Carroll?

*laughing*  Look, you didn’t yell at me about deadlifts today- I didn’t get yelled at.

Yeah, your form looked really great.

I guess I have hamstrings now- I picked up two of them.  I have two calves that sometimes stretch the way they are supposed to.  I did pull-ups today!  Like three really consistently good pull-ups.  I didn’t even need a band, I was very proud.

That is great!  As it turns out, pull-ups are hard.  So you still take the virtual classes right?  What would be your review of those classes?

Hmmm… Maybe too much jumping.  Not enough dogs- I like to see people’s dogs on the screen.  The DJ could be better, but that is my fault.  And I don’t know- they are just great.

Who are your regular virtual coaches?

It switches- John, Beth Felker, I always try to take Bean’s virtual yoga on Saturday because it is so soothing-

You don’t get enough dogs in Bean’s class?

She does!  That is the problem- she has raised the bar for everyone else because it is like her and Squid teaching yoga. 

I like that you love the virtual classes- I think they’ve been a great addition to the community.

Absolutely!  I was able to travel and still take Shop classes, which makes me the happiest.  That is the worst- you travel and then you feel disconnected from everyone.  That sucks!

A couple more linear questions before we get into the rando questions, you’ve got Maddie who is your friend that you workout with here.  Do you have anyone else you have developed a relationship with in the community- members, coaches dogs?

Beth Felker has been amazing.  Again, one of the good parts of 2020 is that we are finding people that are of our tribe.  I saw her for her birthday back in March and she was just like- “you seem cool, come on over!”.

That was like the last normal social thing that I did-

That was the last normal social thing that any of us did!  And I was so excited- I’ve broken into the inner circle and get to go to a Dane’s party with cool people.

Well now you’re like a mosquito trapped in the inner circle forever.  You’re just locked in.

So she and I will just go on hikes and walk and talk about our feels.  She actually helped me buy a dresser.  She taught me the joys of Facebook Marketplace- 

Me too!

She went with me to pick up a dresser and the girl’s house smelled so much like weed.  Beth was great, she is just like let’s do this.  I called her a few hours later and was just like, “this is the worst piece of furniture I have smelled in my life”.  But I dragged it outside, filled it with baking soda and vinegar- this is your pro tip- Sprinkle baking powder and put cups of vinegar in it and it will pull out the smell.

When I moved a couple weeks ago, Beth watched Moose while we moved our stuff.

Do Quigley (Beth Felker’s stately and regal dog) and Moose get along?

Apparently they do- or it is more like they are both old men so they are just largely indifferent to one another.  Beth’s verdict was that Moose is a lot more of an aggressive snuggler than Quigley.  Quigley is much more independent than Moose is.

Beth has been fantastic, Bean has been awesome- seeing her face for yoga.

I don’t know if it is a hidden gem, because plenty of people know about it, but Bean’s virtual yoga class is-

No, nobody come to Bean’s yoga class, it is terrible!  It is mine- I mean don’t come!

Robert, it is in the virtual space so it won’t fill up.

I know but at some point it will be on site again and I was always afraid that it would fill up- it was like the best kept secret.

Well this will be stricken from the record.  We can take that bit again.  What I hear about Bean’s yoga class is that it is really awful and she does things like throwing pieces of lukewarm bologna at people when she coaches in person.  I hear that she smells like weed and vinegar in person.

*laughing*  and there are no cute dogs and she never affirms you and makes you feel good…

Any members that you have connected with?

That is what sucks!  Just as my schedule was clearing up and I was able to come, COVID happened.

I think that is the one drawback of the Virtual classes- you can connect with people you know already, but it is hard to create bonds with other members.

Yes.  Well I will say that Victoria Harvey… she is always there and she is always fantastic.

I agree.  I saw her and Daisy this morning.

Her and Daisy bring me such joy.

Are you ready for some random questions?  Just rapid fire.

Yes.

Okay, if you were a professional wrestler what would your gimmick be and what would your entrance music be?

Man, that is a good question.

Maybe there is something we could mine with your cooking or with cats.  You could do like a Michelle Pfeiffer leather thing?

I haven’t done leather, but I’m into it.

That is now the title of the interview-

*roaring laughter*  I’m picturing something like the Chris Hemsworth Thor costume with like carved out abs and instead of a hammer it is a cast iron skillet.

That is good!  Do you have a song?

It would have to be something like Robyn- dancy but emo and I’d like lull people in by making them feel comforted then bam I would crush them.

That sounds a little bit like what you were describing earlier.  Maybe your wrestler name is The Inconsistent Nurturer?

*laughter*  I bring you in and then I beat you with a skillet.

That is great.  Okay, this is my election year question- if you could nominate one person in the DBS community to be president of the United States, who would it be?

You, Chad Ramsey.

Me Chad Ramsey?

You, Chad Ramsey.

Well that is a hot take right there Robert.

Thanks to your instagram, I know you are knowledgeable in the area of presidents.  You are a fabulous person who loves all people.  I like a leader who is knowledgeable, loves all humans, and just loves to get down once in a while.

I think the idea of a president who loves to get down once in a while is an oddly important one.  Well thanks, I’ll take it.  I accept that nomination from you.  If you had one super power, what would it be?

I watched a video today about court stenographers.  The ability to type like 500 words per minute would be amazing.

That seems like you are picking something mundane, but I could see this choice having potential.  In this world where so much is online and with a keyboard, I could see many ways this would set you apart from everyone else.

You just get up in the morning and deal with all the bullshit in like five minutes and-

And you have the rest of the day.  You have the rest of the day to nap in your bed ya freaking weirdo-

Look, you’ve got to be intentional about these things.

Have you ever done a coffee nap?  Caffeine has a half life of like thirty minutes so if you drink a cup of coffee real fast then lay down and take a nap, you wake up in like fifteen or twenty minutes completely refreshed.  It is like a cheat code.

Anyone who has a PhD knows that trick.  If they don’t, what are they even doing?

Right because days are short and life is short.  Wow, it is getting back to that dark place.

I still can’t think of anything hopeful about 2020.

That is okay- I got plenty of hope and positivity from my interview with Erika last night.  We can just be dark in this interview.

*laughing* Good, because I have nothing.

Speaking of Erika, I have a question that she suggested a twist for.  I will often ask people if they could have dinner with any historical figure who would it be and she suggested that I change the question to if you could work out with any historical figure who would it be.  Spotting one another, sharing a barbell.  Who would you choose?

Am I flirting with them?

That is a possibility- I like that angle.

Again, I’m single and I’m looking…Hmm… I am going through my rolodex of cute historical figures.  I’ve been playing a video game- and this is super nerdy- I’ve been playing a video game about the Greek gods and so that is all I’m thinking about.  So strong, buffed out Hercules…  He could probably give you some good tips.  The Disney movie about him was under-rated.  The songs were fantastic.

*begins singing Michael Bolton’s “Go The Distance”*…  Would you still make this your choice if Michael Bolton had to tag along?

Yes.  One hundred percent.  What a thrupple- me, Michael Bolton, and Hercules.  Is there leather?

Michael Bolton hasn’t done leather, but he is into it.  The best place to leave off on is asking you based on your reflections as athlete of the season- because you are now in the Pantheon, circling back to our Greek themes-  what is the thing that you want to be remembered for?

I haven’t farted during deadlifts.

Any other words of wisdom to share with your admirers, supplicants, and peons?

To borrow words from our imminent sage Sia, “You are loved, keep going”.  She just tweets that randomly sometimes and it fills me with joy.

That is great.  Thanks Robert!