“Who is Better at Finding Sea Turtle Eggs than a Poacher”
Caitlin Sullivan is an avid world traveler with a passion for helping others and the proud dog-mama of a three-legged dog. She is moderately tattooed and immoderately strong. Caitlin Sullivan is also a completely power-mad despot who seeks to end Body Shop liberality as we know it. Read the chilling words below for entertainment, but also as a stern warning of the reign of terror she seeks to unleash upon us all.
Caitlin: We need to talk about why you are writing on the last page of your notebook instead of the beginning.
Chad: I couldn’t find my notebook, so this is actually my wife’s work notebook. So I guess depending on how racy this interview gets, you might see me ripping out the pages and burning them.
She doesn’t need to know…
So I asked the management team for questions they wanted me to ask you and one of the things that immediately came up was travel- that you travel a lot is actually one of the only things I know about you-
I don’t think it is that much.
How much do you travel?
I try to do two international trips per year, but it sort of depends on the year. Last year was a good year- I did three.
John had a really interesting angle in how he framed the question- he wanted to know how it started? What caused the travel bug to take hold?
Oooh! So, I had always wanted to but didn’t have a ton of money growing up, but my family was willing to sacrifice a little and I had the opportunity to travel for a month to Turkey in high school. It was a really cool trip because you spent the whole (previous ) semester learning about Turkish history, reading Turkish authors, and learning a little bit of the language, so by the time you traveled there you appreciated it more than you would otherwise. I went with like 15 other high school girls and when we would walk down the streets of Istanbul, that would turn heads. The culture shock was really big compared to if you went to England. We stayed long enough that we were able to see a lot of the country and meet a bunch of people and we had some crazy stories.
I want to go down two different paths with that answer- one is do you have any silly teenage girl stories from that trip you are comfortable sharing?
I have two crazy stories that were so wild that I still remember them. So our first day we were walking through Istanbul and were on the metro and no joke, there was this guy who just took his dick out and started chasing all the girls on the metro with it. So we were all screaming and everyone else was just looking at us like “we’re not helping these dumb American girls”. Our guide had to come like shove the guy off the train.
Whoa! And you had no idea that Harvey Weinstein would be in Turkey at the time did you?
No, I had no clue! Yeah, he was pushy. Crazy story number two: my best friend from high school went with us and there were all of these spiral staircases at the hotel. To this day I am freaked out by spiral staircases because my friend fell down the stairs, hit her head, had a seizure, and turned blue. So I went along because I was her friend with two teachers in a taxi and my friend is like speaking in tongues and I’m crying. We went to one place and for some reason they couldn’t help us so we went to another place and people are all just sitting on the floor and smoking cigarettes. We got put in the emergency area and my friend gets on a gurney that had blood on it-
Someone else’s blood?
Oh yeah- it wasn’t clean at all. She needed an x-ray and so we went into the bowels of the hospital and there were leaking pipes and some guy in a wheelchair by himself. They were like taking x-rays and no one was wearing any protective gear. When she was released, the teacher had me wake her up all night every thirty minutes to make sure she wasn’t dead… but the rest of the trip was great!
So I’m doing the math because you told me your age and this had to have been 2006 or 2007?
Spring of 2007.
That is the other direction I wanted to go in with this- that is not too long after 911. What was the vibe like traveling to the Middle East not that long after 911?
That is a good point. *thinks for a minute* I think it was another perspective. If you listen to like Fox News in America, you’re kind of fed this idea that muslims are all terrorists and they can’t stand for our way of life. But Turkey was interesting because it is a secular country- granted if you go into a mosque you have to cover your elbows and knees-
And the areas between your elbows and knees right? I’m picturing you going in wearing a bikini with roller blades and knee and elbow pads.
Yeah, they didn’t so much like that. *laughs* So I think it was cool to see a different side of things. I’ve gone to Morocco as well and it is cool to go to Islamic countries. The other trip I could have gone on was Italy and that is cool- I’ll probably go there at some point- but why not go outside of your comfort zone while you have all this support from your school and everything is kind of planned? It felt like a good opportunity to see something different.
I feel like I could turn off the recorder and we could spend like seven hours talking about where you’ve traveled. In the interest of time, can you zero in on one travel experience you’ve had that you feel bursting out of you and want to share?
Yeah! I went to college at a small liberal arts school in upstate New York; I studied biology and Spanish and had a dream that I was going to train exotic animals. Everyone throughout college was advising me that I wouldn’t be able to put biology and Spanish together so I didn’t know what I was going to do. I knew I wanted to travel, so I ran a couple sea turtle conservation programs in Costa Rica. That was really interesting because I was living in villages of like 50 people- dirt floors and no refrigeration. You would work with people who used to be poachers- you would convert them into people who would save the eggs. They were great to work with, because who is better at finding sea turtle eggs than a poacher?
Ugh, now that I’m thinking about it I have so many travel stories: someone got in a machete fight and like killed somebody, another time there was flooding and we almost had to get food air-lifted to us because we were not connected to the outside word-
That is going to be a great sound bite right there. I need to have you in class more so these stories can just casually come up in conversation. Another thing John and Mitch were curious about were your tattoos. Remind me where and what you have?
I have roses on my arm, I have lily of the valley, and I have script on my foot.
Would you like to talk about the significance of any of them?
Sure! The first one I got was the one on my foot. Costa Rica was a really impactful life experience- getting me out of my comfort zone; I think I run a little anxious and it it helped me chill the fuck out. I wanted to get a tattoo to help commemorate the experience so a couple of us went to Panama to spend Christmas and New Years together and we all really wanted to get tattoos together. We spent the entire day at this tattoo shop and everyone got something meaningful. The day before we were going to go I still didn’t know what I was going to get and on the wall of the hostel we were staying at was a painting that said “Lo que sera sera” which means whatever will be will be. So that is what I went with.
Do you have any overarching philosophy toward the ink you put on your body?
That it has to mean something. So the lily of the valley is for my grandma- she is still alive and was an important figure in my childhood. She would sing me a lullaby every night called “Lily of the Valley”-
I’m not familiar with that one-
Well I’m not going to sing it because you’re recording, but it is a lullaby. This one on my shoulder is for death and rebirth and new beginnings. And this one (points to a prickly pear tattoo) is for all the growth I’ve had in Texas. And more to come!
Another question John and Mitch came up with was for you to pick three people at Dane’s Body Shop and assign them a tattoo. You probably should give Mitch and John one-
Mitch would definitely get a sneaker. He’s the sneaker guy.
He’s kind of the style guy in general. Where on his body would he get the sneaker?
I think it would have to be like a side profile on the side of his foot so that he is always wearing cool sneakers!
*Laughing* That is brilliant, I love that!
Um John… I can’t wait for him to listen to this. I would have him get a watch because he can never stay on time- it’ll be like twelve minutes into class and we’re still talking about the warm-up. *shouts into my phone as it is recording* You hear that John!
Let’s be emphatic on this one Caitlin. One of the great joys I have in these interviews is roasting John a little bit.
Oh, I take every opportunity I can! Oh, he could also get a mountain or a garden.
Do you have placement ideas for John’s tattoo? I think the watch would have to be like a teardrop tattoo under his eye- like they just let him out of prison for holding up class too long.
*loudly laughing* Yeah! For the mountain? let’s say back of the arm. And okay, let’s talk about this *sits up straighter in her chair and adopts a stern tone*. Dane would get a little espresso cup because I recently saw that there is a giant fucking espresso machine (in the storage closet at Manor) and I think we pay enough per month that we should get a cup of coffee when we come to class in the morning! Barista Dane!
Caitlin, this is one reason that we call this a Danetatorshop and not a Danemocracy. Well reasoned! So the tats and travel was a great jumping off point, but now we need to spend at least a little bit of time talking about the more rote gym questions. Like how did you come to be at Dane’s Body Shop?
That is a good question. Honestly I think it is because I am lazy. I moved into this house and I started looking at gyms within a mile of my house and I think Dane’s is literally the only one.
That is actually how I ended up coaching at Dane’s. We moved from Chicago and I didn’t have a car, so I literally walked past Dane’s every day on my way to work at the shitty gym that I initially got hired at-
Oooo… The Hyde Park Gym? What kind of beef do you guys have with them?
No, no, no. It was called Fitness 360 in The Triangle and they were so shitty that they don’t even exist anymore. We actually have a great relationship with The Hyde Park Gym- we do group stuff and they do more individual stuff, so I refer people there all the time. I like to think they do the same for us.
Oh! Well that is really boring. But aren’t there coaches (at Dane’s) who do individual coaching?
Oh sure, but we don’t really market that- we let the coaches find their own clients.
How do you like that?!?! The interview is reversed now! Are you sweating?
I’m going to start crying at any moment. Damn it Caitlin, I’m going to take control of this shit right now! So… when you came by Dane’s what was that experience like? What sold you? Who did you interact with?
Dude- I have the worst memory in the world. Literally. I can’t remember anyone’s name. Actually I want everyone to get their names tattooed on their face!
Okay, you heard that- everyone has a month to get their names tattooed on their face or their membership gets cancelled. That’s the power of the Athlete of The Season- you have despotic power that you can really crush with.
Dane did say, “with great power comes great responsibility”. My decisions during my reign could be felt for generations. This could be it.
Every person I have interviewed so far has been very gracious with their power-
Uh-uh!
It seems like this is where we are finally going off the rails.
Sure.
Okay, so what were your first few weeks or months at The Shop like?
I remember it being really tough. Particularly as a woman- you don’t always do barbell work and strength stuff; you’re more inclined to go on the elliptical or do yoga. So it was tough at first (at Dane’s), but I really liked that the emphasis was on being strong rather than being really skinny. I think society tells you that is your value in the world- being pretty and skinny. Like don’t take up space, literally or figuratively. It felt really accessible because it didn’t seem to matter if you had been there a long time or were brand new, people were very welcoming and happy to teach you things.
Do you have a person in particular that helped you to feel welcome in those early days?
I mean John definitely. When you initially come in, I was all like, “What do you mean I have to come in and do an hour ‘tour’? Ya’ll get off your high horse!”. But John is very personable and likes to chat with everybody- it wasn’t just like take your money and then get in and get out and hope that you never actually show up. All the coaches, I think, really know when you are new and are able to fit helping you on your form into the regular classes.
Any particular accomplishments you are proud of at The Shop?
I think it has been really cool to see how much I can lift. Granted, we have some really strong women at the gym, so I have some improvement to go, but when I hit 200# for my deadlift, that was super exciting. It is cool to be able to see progress over time. I like that you never get bored.
Looking at your life outside the gym, have you noticed any impact from your fitness pursuit?
I think confidence. I like sledgehammers and flipping tires and people don’t always expect that- I’m in H/R and people think that is boring, so it is cool to have a hobby that is out of the mainstream.
And you are working for that egg company right?
Vital Farms!
I bought my first dozen shortly after talking to you about them. Those are fabulous eggs. Is there anything about your job that really excites you?
I really like mission-driven companies. I’ve come back to working with animals too! You can work for a place that makes the world better, or a place that makes the world worse. At the end of the day, what you do is probably just work and not what you are most passionate about, so if you can find a positive place to work for it makes it better. I like the start-up world; it is wild and crazy.
In these interviews, I feel like it is important to entreat on the reasons why you are here and talk about some gym-related stuff, but I also think it is important to just get into some weird questions. This is actually a question I’ve never asked before- why do you think you were nominated to be Athlete of the Season?
Dude, I think you guys knew my reign would really just change the face of Dane’s Body Shop forever.
You’re a total fucking demagogue aren’t you?
*Wild Laughter* What is Democracy?!?! Russia helped me with this election-
Yeah you actually weren’t supposed to win Athlete of the Season. All the bots went in for you which is a really bad sign. One of my standby questions has always been, if you were to think of someone in the DBS community to run for president, who would it be and why?
Ooo… Wow. So I can’t choose myself?
You can, and based on how this interview is going, I am guessing you will…
I don’t know that I’d really want to do that job- I like sleep too much, so I don’t think that is for me. Honestly, I think you would do a pretty good job?
Me?
Yeah, I think we would have a lot of allies. Not a lot of drama, we wouldn’t go to war- I think you’d be really good post the current president-
Well, I am glad that is the bar I’d be trying to clear.
No, I think we have a lot of repairing to do with the rest of the world and I think you might be up to that challenge.
Thank you for not holding all of the orange he has against all of the orange I have. You could have really profiled me on that. Thank you Caitlin, that is very kind of you.
I’m just pandering to you so that I come off well in the interview.
Good call, I could really fuck you over on the edit! If you were to be a superhero, what would your name be, what would your costume look like, what would your power be?
I’d be “Atomic Sass”-
Ooo… That’s good.
Yeah, you like that? My costume? It’d definitely be fucking latex because it has got to be latex if you’re a superhero right? Catwoman style for sure.
CaitWoman? I’m sorry, that is a terrible suggestion-
Yeah, but it will probably stick now… I’d definitely want a mask. And my super power would be to break people with a sentence.
So you would just cut them down and they would wither? That has actually happened to me five times during this interview already-
*more wild laughter* My resting bitch face is super strong. I can also disappear people just by not knowing their name.
Like if Thanos was a bitchy high school girl-
Yeah, but I’m nice too so put that in there.
*speaking deliberately and nervously into the recorder* Oh yes guys, she is very nice.
*speaking deliberately and menacingly into the recorder* I’m fucking nice!
Call help please! *laughing* We’ve covered fitness, travel, tattoos, and eggs- are there any other surprising interests that you have?
So my dog and I- she is retired now- we used to do therapy work.
Tell me about your dog.
She is a three-legged pitbull named Jeanie. She is the sweetest dog in the world. We used to do therapy work at St. Davids, Austin Children’s Shelter, Helping Hand Home-
That is awesome.
Yeah, people might be surprised that evil Caitwoman, who can shrivel people with a word, might also care about people.
Our eleven pound chihuahua/terrier, Moose, absolutely loves pitbulls.
They are the best. I want to have kids while she is still alive because she would be great with them- they are the original nanny dogs.
Can you talk about the history of pitbulls a bit? I think it is fascinating.
Yeah! Pitbulls have a pretty bad rap in today’s America- hello Denver BSL, fuck you- but back in the nineteen hundreeds, not too long ago, they were known as nanny dogds and were like the number one dog for people with kids because they were sweet and protective. Now they are really unfairly labeled as aggressive and dangerous. I hope that changes at some point- that was a lot of the work that we would do in therapy programs. People would ask if she was a pitbull and I would go out of my way to say yes and show them what a pitbull really is.
That is really cool. Okay, so if there were to be a film made of your life who would play you-
Let me stop you there. There would not be a film made of my life because it would be so boring.
I don’t know about that. Do you have a celebrity you’ve been compared to or that you would like to play you? This is a little bit about your taste.
Oh my gosh. So this isn’t totally related but I have a face where people think they know me. Like every week or so, someone will come up to me and start talking to me and we have never met before. So I’ve never really been like I look like a celebrity because I constantly get that I look like somebody. I think it would be cool to have Jennifer Lawrence play me- hello Katniss, hello you can be any size you want in Hollywood-
She is a Goddess. Another question I’ve been throwing out recently is, you walk into a room and everything just stops and it is this cinematic moment and-
And I trip.
Yes, you trip because I tripped you. Because I know all the evil you are up to now. No, what is the song that plays. You walk into the room and people are looking at you, what is the song?
Um… that Sarah McLachlan song from the animal commercial?
*I start singing “I Will Remember You” even though it was totally “Angel” that was used in that commercial*… That’s a weird choice.
Yeah, that would not be the right song. I don’t know, right now it might be a Lizzo song or something from Beyonce’s “Lemonade”.
Any figure in history that you could have an evening with to just talk, have dinner with, get it on with, who do you pick?
Get it on with? George Washington’s wooden teeth get me hot, but I’d probably pass on that. I’m always going to be a sucker for Barack Obama- could I get a twofer? Maybe a little Michelle and Barack threesome?
Okay. Just a nice dinner and maybe things progress from there?
A nice dinner and a nice dessert.
And we will leave what “dessert” is open for interpretation… she has really great arms-
*laughing* she really does!
It is always fun when I get to conduct one of these interviews with someone that I don’t know very well and this conversation was really fucking charging- I genuinely enjoyed myself. You’ve already said some really thoughtful things, but I always like to close these by letting the athlete say anything else that is on their mind. Is there anything you’d like to convey to the people reading this interview?
I just hope they understand that I am ending term limits on Athlete of the Season and that I will be continuing my reign indefinitely.
Wow! Breaking news: Manor Athlete of the Season, Caitlin Sullivan-
Athlete of the Year. Soon to be of the decade.
No athlete of the season any more at Manor. Dark times- sorry guys.
*laughing* I just want to thank everyone for their support. Particularly Putin and all the bots. I’m really looking forward to being reelected.
We all are Caitlin. I can’t imagine a better hegemon for life. *interview ends with both of us cackling*